Clover Signs from Heaven

This article was originally posted on September 26, 2011🍀 My birthday is July 2. Without any apparent reason, my back started to hurt badly a few days prior to my birthday. Yes, I have had back pain before, but it had never been this severe. I decided to go see an orthopedic doctor/chiropractor to feel better so that I could keep taking care of my little girl and working as a PTO board member at her school. I was very busy at that time. On July 1st, I saw an orthopedic technician whom one of my best friends, A, recommended to me. I was given an acupuncture treatment as well as physical massage. On my way home, I was thinking to myself, "How unlucky I am!  Tomorrow is my birthday and I had to go visit a clinic for my back pain. K, let me know if this does have any meaning." Then, I realized I was walking on the street I usually would not be. There were many small shops on both sides of the street. An old looking stationary shop, on the other side, caught my eye. Wal...

  This article was originally posted on September 26, 2011🍀 Ever since I was convinced Clover was the sign from K, I started to look for them everywhere. Family and close friends called me  "Clover Hunter."  I would buy anything with a clover motif on it and I still do. On May 26, 2011 , It was the day of my little girl's lesson. I recall it was still very hard for me to take her to places such as school and lessons. I just wanted to stay home and avoid meeting people as much as possible.  On that day, I was feeling very sad missing K..... When my girl's lesson was done, we decided to go shopping for some Clover item. Since the lesson was held in a department store, we went straight to the stationary section and browsed around looking at post cards and envelops with Clover Motif.  Unfortunately, nothing clicked with me. I started feeling miserable for desperately looking for K's signs. We went home without buying anything. Getting back to the house wi...

  This article was originally posted on September 25, 2011🍀 When K was still here, he asked me when Mother's Day would be. I simply answered it is always on the second Sunday of May. " Come on, K! Don't forget the date again!" , I said to him and we both laughed. On Sunday, May 8, Mother's Day did arrive, which brought back the lighthearted  conversation I had with K. I felt sad all day thinking what if he could come back to me even for a day, today. On that night, my husband and I were watching a TV program called "Ametalk" , it is a variety show. Suddenly, my shoulders started feeling a gentle warmth. I wondered if K was massaging my shoulders.  I did not tell my husband about it, because it was hard to explain. I was quietly enjoying the gentle warm sensation.  And then...., Guess what!   I noticed Two Clover Leaves behind the show hosts! I said to myself, "What is going on! Those clover leaves don't go on the noisy background at all! Of...

This article was originally posted on September 25, 2011🍀 On Saturday May 7th, I took my little girl to her lesson.  Since my husband was at work, my eldest son joined us. After the lesson, three of us went to a shopping mall near by. This large mall provides kid's shopping carts, the ones children can ride. Each cart has a character on it such as Hello Kitty, Micky Mouse, Anpan Man etc... My girl, of course, wanted to ride one, however, they were all taken when we got there. I said to her, "Let's walk around and wait until someone returns a cart!"  After a while, we finally found an empty cart. She was very happy because it was her favorite Disney Character, Minnie Mouse cart! As we walked around the shopping mall, acute grief pain surged in me. Looking at families with laughters made me realize that K was not in this world anymore. I missed him a lot. I asked K in my heart, "K, are you here? You are with us now, right?" My girl got off the cart to go b...

This article was originally posted on September 20, 2011 ☘   It was my eldest son who found K's body in the house when he came home from work that day. When he left for work in the morning, K was still sleeping in his bed. He is the one who found K's cold body..... All the way until the funeral, my eldest son cried furiously screaming, "Poor K! Poor K!", "Why did you leave me behind? Don't leave me, K!" It broke my heart completely seeing him shaking K's casket as if he had been trying to wake his little brother up.... After their parents divorced, they, together, built a strong support system. Of course they fought sometimes, but were always there for each other. I apologized to him for their heart aches our divorce possibly caused. He said it was not my fault... After the funeral, my eldest boy went back to work, however, he seemed detached from himself. He later confessed to me he lost motivations for anything. I was terrified of the thought that...

This article was originally posted on September 20, 2011🍀 March 30, 2011 Around 6:00pm that day, I had a dream while I was napping in the house. My husband, daughter, eldest son, ex-husband, his mother (K's grandmother) and his girlfriend, and I are together with K who appears grade school aged. Everyone is surprised that K is alive. When I reach out to hug him, he comes between me and his big brother, and asks me to kiss him on the cheek. I say to K, "Your dad is here too, he is right behind you!" Little school aged K, with a vulnerable smile, hugs me hard as if he was trying to console me. I am crying and calling his name, "K! K!!!" After a pause, he says, "My grandmother is feeling very lonely...." As soon as I woke up with my heart racing, the phone rang. It was from my eldest boy. I said to him with excitement, "I just had a dream of K!" And, shortly after that, I called my ex-husband's girlfriend because K's words were worrying...

This article was originally posted on September 20th, 2011 🍀 March 29th, 2011 , was K's Shiju Kunichi (On the 49th Day, in Japan,  deceased are believed to depart from this world and enter into the land of God ). We held his Shiju Kunichi memorial service a bit earlier, so I spent the day doing nothing special. I felt very lonely and sad thinking K's spirit would finally leave this world and travel back to the other world...  My biggest worry was whether he could go to heaven or not. There is Stigma in Japan, too, that those who ended their own lives may not go to heaven.  Although K showed me so many miracles, I still was worried for him. In the evening, I went out for errands, and saw..... Beautiful Sun Rays beaming through the clouds! The breathtakingly beautiful sky soothed me but at the same time, I mourned for him and said to myself, "Awww, K must have finally gone  back to that sky.... Isn't his spirit by my side anymore?" Later that night, my eldest boy c...